My Journey Towards Myself
So much of my adult life has revolved around personal development.
Some of it arising from my own struggles with my mental health. For many years, I was a functional depressive. I put my smile on when I went out the front door. And I could easily chat to anyone. I was always pretty confident socially. But internally, it was a completely different story. Behind closed doors, when I would get back home, my inner critic and my inner demons would take over.
Telling me
– how I should be further along,
– my life should be better,
– how I was not good enough,
– pointing out my shortfalls,
– shaming me,
– blaming me.
Telling me again and again how I was falling short.
At the core of it, was this deep rooted sense that I was not good enough. It was horrendous. Living with a person 24 /7 who put you down. And that was me doing that to myself.
As Tara Brach, a meditation teacher and author of the book Radical acceptance, says – I fell under the ‘trance of unworthiness’.
Thankfully, particularly over the last 5 years, my mental health is so much improved. I feel better in myself, more confident and I just sit more comfortably in my own skin. I still do fall prey to the lament and pokes and shaming and blaming that my inner critic resorts to., when that part of me is struggling with how my life is and my choices. And that is the only way that part of me knows , to try and motivate me to change. It is hugely ineffective. It does not help me to change. It just adds to my suffering.
Often in my courses, I invite people to write down what they say to themselves, when they are having a hard time, when life is not going how they want it to be.
People come back with things like
– ‘you talk too much’
– ‘why can’t you lose weight’
– ‘ you are just being silly’ — ‘you should have got it sorted by now’
– ‘why can’t you just relax and stop worrying’.
And then I say these mean spirited things to someone else in the group, and ask that person how does it feel to be spoken to that way. I keep it anonymous so nobody knows who that comment was originally aimed at.
People say things like-
– I felt hurt,
– I feel really horrible,
– it is like I don’t matter.
And as we go through roleplaying what it is like to hear aloud these horrible comments, bit by bit, people start to get the real impact of talking harshly to oneself.
Often we would never say the things we say to ourself, to a friend. We would likely not even say these harsh criticisms to our worst enemy. Many of us are not even aware that we do this. We are mostly unaware of our inner talk.
They say we are conscious only about 5% of the time. So for the other 95%, we are operating from our unconscious and this self aversion talk is often playing in the background.
And then we wonder why we are struggling so much. Why we do not feel good. I still fall prey to it.
At this stage, I have many tools and practices to help me deal with this – mindfulness, prayer, journalling, 12 step programs, non violent communication, empathy, self compassion, supportive friends and groups, a good therapist, a meditation group, understanding how my brain works, understanding trauma, understanding stress, gratitude, EFT ( tapping process) amongst many others. Over the decades, I have learnt so much from teachers, authors, courses, peers, therapy, and from my own realisations.
I know that when I get angry, it is my anger, my frustration, The other person may be triggering my anger, but at the end of the day, it is my own unresolved issues that are being activated. So this gives me a lot of power, that I can just keep focusing on clearing my side of the road, to continue healing and growing.
I love how this process of healing can play out in the one to one life coaching, how a kind of sacred space is created, and all that is needed is the client needs to be open, willing, ready to share, and that they want to change. My role is to sit back, deeply listen and allow what wants to be revealed, to show itself. And it always does. It unfolds and uncovers and it is fascinating how we have the the power to heal, if we can just take the time to really listen and meet what is there. The Power of Presence.
Over time, I have developed this part of me, a more compassionate part, a part that can see with more care and compassionate what is going on for ,me, I can hold myself with my pains, and my wounds. Bit by bit, I can let go of what is no longer serving me. I am breaking free from my past. Letting go of limited beliefs about myself , about the world around me, and opening up to a different way of connecting with the world.
As Anais Nin says, ‘the world is not as we see it , the world is as we are’.
I invite you along on this journey too. Pause, look within, stand a little bit back from the story of what is going on, the drama playing out in the external world, Stand a little back from blaming the other person, and getting caught in their story, and just go within. Ask yourself in those moments of agitation,
‘What is going on inside me?’,
‘What am I telling myself?’
‘What am I believing?’
Turn to yourself and hear what is there, And just bring a gentle curious inquiry to your inner world. Get curious how the current issues that are being presented – how has that issues played out in your past, maybe in your childhood.
The answers are all there. It is not just about analysis or a mental understanding of what is going on, It is so much more. It is a meeting and embracing of oneself. And when we are willing to do this, over time, we really can step into the fullness and beauty of the amazing human beings we were all born to be
Subscribe to receive ‘Living Fully’ Sara’s monthly newsletter, and occassional wellbeing mailouts
You can unsubscribe at any time.